★ Issac Lofkin

≈°˚♥ Sleep tight on your fluffy cloud in the sky


Well what can i say... Issac's time with us was very short, we was blessed with this little life for
17 weeks and 4 days. In those short few weeks the love we had for Issac was enough to last a
lifetime itself. Below i have shared the whole story which i haven't been able to do before, about
Myself and Ryan and our little star Issac.
We found out i was pregnant with Issac was May 2008, was it a shock? Yes it was! Me and Ryan had
been talking about having another baby for quite some time before, we wanted 1 more child to
complete our family. But what we didn't expect was for it to happen so quick. I remember telling
Ryan i was late for my period and sending him out that morning to get a test. Waiting at home i felt
a mix of emotions, scared, excited and worried, worried what everyone would say or think if that
test came back positive. After all i had already got 2 children and Ryan 1 from a previous
relationship... But then i thought 'so what' I didn't care what others thought, this was or was
going to be not something to be ashamed of... But instead something to be proud of. The worry of
what others would think soon went away. Ryan got back home and handed me the clearblue test (not the
one i sent him out for originally, typical male!) I went upstairs and did the test. Waiting those
few minutes seemed to take forever, my heart was racing my hands were shaking... I remember thinking
its going to come up negative, and i did feel saddened. I picked the test up again and there it was
the 2nd blue line! We were having a baby!! I came down and told Ryan, again typical male he said
"Are you sure its right?" I showed him the 2 lines on the test but he still wasn't convinced as the
lines were quite faint... So it took another 2 tests over the next few days to show to him that yes
the first test was right! We were both so happy to find that we have both been blessed with the
person growing inside me.
With Issac i had quite an easy pregnancy, just the normal pregnancy symptoms... Everything was fine
and i felt on top of the world =)
There was some confusion about my dates so my doctor arranged for me to have a early scan. My
appointment came through and it was booked for the morning of 2nd June 2008. I couldn't wait! The
day soon came round and i was so excited, seeing our little baby on screen for the first time... I
couldn't stop smiling! I had to go alone that morning, Ryan was unable to come unfortunately. Sat in
the waiting area in the antenatal unit i was like a new eager and excited first time mummy! I jumped
up every time a nurse walked down the corridor, hoping she was coming to collect me. Finally my name
was called! I laid on the bed and the cold gel was put on my tummy, the sonographer poked and
prodded around for a bit, it really hurt too! Then she turned the screen around to me and there our
baby was, the moment i had been waiting for.. My heart melted i instantly fell in love with the
little 'blob' on the screen. I even saw the little heart beat, flickering away so strong. My scan
didn't last long, all of a few minutes in fact.. I was disappointed actually that it wasn't for
longer, I could of happily stared at the little blob on the screen all day. I picked up my scan
photos and headed out the doors, I immediately phoned Ryan and told him all about the scan, he
couldn't wait for me to get home so he could see his little baby. Little did we know that that was
the last time our baby would been seen alive, Ryan did not get the opportunity that i got to see our
baby alive.
I had my first midwife appointment on the 20th June 2008, just routine to book me in and check
everything was ok. Previously to this i had been reading about babies heartbeats and when the
earliest was they could be heard with a fetal doppler, some was as early as 10 weeks! I was 10 week
and 4 days at this point and was curious! I asked the midwife it it was possible and she said
sometimes yes but they don't tend to listen in at this stage. I asked her if she would try to find
our babys heartbeat, she was a bit hesitant at first but agreed just as long as i wouldn't worry if
it couldn't be found, i agreed! She put the cold gel on my tummy and prodded and poked around...
Then there it was, our babys heartbeat going so fast and so strong. A huge smile beamed across my
face, she looked quite surprised! Hearing babys heartbeat at little just over 10 weeks was amazing
=) I came out of the doctors and again immediately phoned Ryan to tell him what i heard, he couldn't
believe it either! After reading about hearing babies heartbeats before i persuaded Ryan to let me
order a fetal doppler. Luckily that morning before i set off for my midwife appointment it had
arrived. When i got back home i had to test the doppler out, also to let Ryan hear proof of the
little life growing inside... Amazingly i too picked up our babys heartbeat, a huge smile beamed
across Ryan's face. Every few days i would listen in to Issac, his heartbeat was always fast and
strong... A perfect little life.
Few weeks later i wondered why i hadn't received an appointment to go for the routine 12 week
scan... I was quite worried. So i made an appointment with a midwife for the next day. I went to see
her and expressed my concerns and she told me that i had already had my '12 week scan' What?? This
wasn't my midwife so i explained that i was sent for an early scan because the doctor was confused
over my dates, this wasn't my choice... I knew perfectly well about the dates, but she sent me for
one regardless. She then said that the NHS only offer 2 routine scans throughout a 'normal'
pregnancy... Fair enough. But my scan was a dating scan, not an anomaly scan. I then got all
worried... What if something was wrong with my baby? What if he had a problem and it wouldn't be
detected until the next scan at 22 weeks? All sorts was going through my mind. I said all this to
her but all she could say was "You'll be fine" "You've had 2 healthy pregnancies before" and that
"The NHS will not give you another scan, unless something is wrong" Guess i was just been paranoid,
but something deep down was telling me something didn't feel right. I was told not too worry and
went home.
After this all still seemed well, i listened to Issac's heartbeat every few days like before, again
it was always so fast and so strong... Totally unmissable. My bump was growing well and already
starting to get a real 'pregnancy bump' shape... I was the proudest mum to be ever. One day i was
sat down on the couch and felt Issac's first tiny kick, i was 16 weeks 1 day... It was incredible,
now i could hear and feel the little life growing inside of me. Even though i could feel and hear
Issac i still had a sense of something that wasn't right, Maybe i was just been paranoid, probably
just the pregnancy hormones.
It was the 30th July 2008 and i had my next routine midwife appointment. My midwife listened in to
Issac's heartbeat and again there it was, fast and strong just like always. I remember her saying
what an active baby i have and she kept having to move the doppler around my tummy trying to keep up
with him. I was 16 weeks and 4 days. She checked my urine, all was fine and i had my bloods taken. I
left the doctors feeling on top of the world. Again little did i know that that was going to be the
last time i heard his heartbeat. Ryan missed out on seeing our baby and now he had missed out on
hearing our babys heartbeat for the last time =(
Friday 1st August, like normal after breakfast i listened to Issac's heartbeat with the doppler...
All was silent, all i could pick up was the sounds of the placenta and waters swishing about. At
this time we wasn't worried, I mean just 2 days before our baby was strong and well. Nothing could
be wrong... Could it? I said to Ryan i will try again after lunch time, maybe Issac was lying in a
funny place and by then he should of moved from that spot. I spent the morning cleaning and tiding
up, not worried about what happened a few hours before. Lunch time came and again i placed the
doppler on my tummy... Nothing. By this time we was slightly worried but again didn't think anything
of it, even joked about its not like one of our children to be awkward! I carried on throughout the
day doing my normal usual things. That night before we went to bed i decided to try one last time to
listen for the heartbeat, i was thinking please let me find it please... I placed the doppler on my
tummy moved it around and again found nothing, it was silent. That silence will haunt me for the
rest of my life. I tried for over an hour to find that sound of a train racing down the track...
Still nothing. Why couldn't i find our babys heartbeat? At this point we was extremely worried,
every time we had listened before we had found his heartbeat almost right away... Why couldn't we
find it now? It was getting late by this point and Ryan said to leave it while the morning and if by
then we still didn't hear anything to phone the maternity ward. That night i didn't sleep much,
every time i shut my eyes i could hear the silence of my bump. I think i was too scared to sleep.
The tears started to come, i cried myself to sleep that night.
Waking up Saturday morning 2nd August 2008 i jumped out of bed and raced downstairs, nothing else
mattered all i wanted was to put that doppler on my tummy and hear my babys heartbeat and forget
about all the worries i had gone to bed with the night before. I placed the doppler on my tummy and
there it was again, the silence, the silence that i dreaded to hear, the silence that made me cry
myself to sleep last night. I was absolutely frantic, my heart was racing, my hands were shaking,
the last time i was like this i was just about to find out whether we was going to be a mummy and
daddy again... But it felt different this time, what i was feeling was fear. I felt numb.
After many phone calls and speaking to many different people i was finally given an appointment at
the out of hours clinic at Leighton hospital. Finally we was going to get an answer as to why our
babys heartbeat couldn't be heard. Waiting in the clinic me and Ryan didn't hardly speak... Maybe we
didn't know what to say, didn't want to reassure each other that everything was going to be ok in
case we were wrong... I don't know why. The moment came when we were called in to the room. The
doctor asked us tons of questions, I can't remember what now, all was such a blur... All i was
interested in was hearing or seeing my baby. That would prove he was ok, wouldn't it? He asked me to
lie on the bed so he could listen for the heartbeat, he tried and he too found nothing. He phoned a
ward called ward 18 and asked for advice. We were told we had to go up to the ward and wait to be
seen by the consultant who was working on the ward that day. We did so, expecting to be seen pretty
much straight away we sat and waited patiently... The minutes passed by, then the hours. 6 hours we
waited on that ward to be seen. It was ridiculous. We was tired, hungry, fed up.. All we wanted to
know was if our baby was ok. Finally after a long agonizing wait we were called in. The consultant
again asked questions, again they went over my head. I was again asked to lie on the bed so she
could listen in with the doppler... I could feel the fear inside again, my heart was so fast and
hard it felt like it was trying to jump out. The consultant then picked up a heartbeat of 128bmp
with the doppler but was unsure if it was mine or the babys. I was hooked up to a monitor, it was
mine they found. Still no sign of finding my babys. After this believe it or not we was just sent
home and told to come back the following monday for a emergency scan. We was still none the wiser as
to why our babys heartbeat couldn't be found and our questions unanswered.
That night we sat and talked about everything that had gone on at the hospital, both unhappy by the
way we was treated by the staff and consultant on ward 18... Waiting 6 hours to have not even a 10
minute appointment then just to be told what we already knew. I decided to phone the maternity ward
and tell them about what happened that day. The midwife knew how concerned, upset and worried i was
so she asked if i would like to go in and be checked out. I jumped at the chance... So back on to
the hospital we went. Me and Ryan was put in a room on our own and the midwife came in and took a
urine sample and blood pressure. Then she asked for me to lie down so she could listen for the
heartbeat... There was the silence. Me and Ryan knew deep down that something was seriously wrong,
but we didn't want to believe it... Not our baby. She then asked if i wanted to have a scan... Again
i jumped at the chance, this would prove my baby was ok... wouldn't it? She brought in the scanning
machine and a consultant followed, cold gel was put on to my tummy... We wasn't allowed to look at
the screen, they said that they 'thought' they saw a flicker of a heartbeat but couldn't be sure? I
was then asked if i wanted to be scanned by a bigger scanning machine, but they advised me not too
because they aren't properly trained sonographers... I said yes even so. During the scan again we
wasn't allowed to look at the screen, the room was silent no one spoke all that was said is they are
going to do a colour shot of Issac's heart to see if the blood was pumping. They also took photos.
After they had finished the scan they are said they are not sure?? Not sure if our baby was alive or
dead?? The same words came "Come back monday for the emergency scan" We came out of the room and the
nurse who we saw earlier on that day asked if everything was ok... The midwife replied "Yeah
everything ok" ???? After this we was sent home yet again. Another night of not sleeping, all things
running through my mind, the last words of the midwife "Every things ok" Surely she wouldn't say
that if she knew otherwise, would she?
I strongly believe they knew Issac had died but they failed to tell us, his own parents... Our baby.
What i don't get is why they wouldn't tell us anything. We have a right to know, don't we? Or was it
because this happened on a weekend and due to lack of staff? Whatever the reasons i am not happy by
the care we received that day. It was appalling.
This is the day our whole world fell apart right in front of our eyes, the day our lives changes
forever, the day we became different people. It hurts me write all this, especially about this
day... This is one of the hardest
The monday we had been waiting for the 4th August 2008 had finally arrived, if i could go back and
not wish time on i would. This was the day we had been wishing would roll on, today we would get the
answers we have been so desperately seeking, the day we would get told this has been a huge mistake
and Issac was happy and healthy.
That morning we set off to the hospital to go have the emergency scan on ward 18. When we arrived
the corridor and seating area was packed full of tearful women, all in the same position as me i
guess... All waiting for answers. Has the queue went down one by one me and Ryan was becoming
extremely anxious... Seeing women come in and out holding their faces in their hands, crying... This
didn't look good. I kept holding my perfect bump and saying "Come on, give mummy a little kick, show
me that your ok" That's all i wanted, then i could walk out the door and forget about all this. But
my wishes didn't come true. We sat and waited for our turn. While we was sat waiting the nurse who
we saw on the saturday morning and night came to us and asked if we had been prepared? Prepared for
what? What was she talking about? We told her we hadn't been told anything or 'prepared for
anything' I looked and Ryan and he looked back at me. We definitely knew then that this wasn't
sounding good. But still we had that little glimmer of hope that when we went in that room we would
be told all was ok and Issac was fine and well. Now we was really sick with worry, not knowing what
to expect. Not long after that my name was called... This was it. Ryan took hold of my hand and held
it tight, i could tell he was scared. Entering the room i felt so sick and shaky, i felt like i was
going to faint... I laid on the bed and the cold gel was put on my tummy, this time the scan was
done by a trained sonographer. I laid there for a few minutes while the probe was been pushed around
my tummy, the room was silent Ryan was sat beside me a nurse sat on the end of the bed and then
there was the words we didn't want to hear and no parent should ever have to hear "I'm so sorry,
there is no heartbeat" I screamed, shouted and cried, Ryan took hold of me and cried. This couldn't
be happening, i was nearly 18 weeks... I thought i was out of the danger zone. Why our baby? Why us?
I wanted to believe this was a dream, i thought any minute i'm going to wake up and this has all
been a nightmare... But it was real. Our baby had died, in what was supposed to be the safest place
on earth =( I wanted to dig a hole in the ground crawl in it and never come out. I felt like i had
failed our baby, and i had failed Ryan... I couldn't even look him in the eyes. We was both taken in
to a side room and given some time alone, we didn't speak we just held each other and cried. The
nurse that was in the scanning room with us came back in. One of the first things i asked her is if
he would of been in any pain, she looked at me and i could see she had tears in her eyes from that
question and she said with a lump in her throat "No" I think that's all she could say. I really hope
she was right, i couldn't bare the thought of my little boy being in any pain. I hope to god he
wasn't. She talked about what would happen next and said that i would have to come back the next day
and have some tablets that would start my contractions off. We was told that when we felt ready we
could go home. When we left the hospital we phoned everyone up and broke the news, no one could
believe it and many tears were shed. When we got back home we had a few hours to ourselves, we
talked and cried... We too couldn't believe our baby had died, we didn't want to believe it. That
night was a blur to me, i think i was just in a daydream, a bad one. I was exhausted from not
sleeping or eating, emotionally drained and physically hurting. A part of my heart died to that
day.
Tuesday 5th August 2008 i was so quiet that morning, knowing that i had to go in to hospital to be
given some tablets that would force my contractions to start... It all felt to surreal. We got to
the hospital, we had to go to the same ward where we got told our baby had gone, ward 18... Sat in
the corridor yet again, this time we knew what we was there for. My name got called and we got taken
to the side room next door to the room where our whole world fell apart the day before. A nurse came
in and went through some things with us, what would happen, what would happen to Issac's tiny body,
if we wanted a post mortem and what that involved, where his body would go if we didn't want to
arrange a funeral, what i would feel after taking the tablets etc etc.... I was then handed 2 small
tablets, i looked at them and knew after i had taken them i wouldn't be 'pregnant' anymore. Even
though Issac had died inside me i still thought of myself has been pregnant. I knew i had to take
them, which i did. We left the hospital and made our way back home. That night i felt a bit of
discomfort but nothing i couldn't handle. By this night after 4days of hardly no sleep or no sleep
at all i was so worn out i actually slept.
Wednesday 6th August 2008. This was the day Issac was brought in to the world, sleeping. I was
booked in at the hospital to go and give birth to Issac. Again we had to go to ward 18, i had a
choice i could either come here or go to the maternity labour ward to deliver him. Fancy asking me
if i wanted to go to the labour ward, full of new mums and newborns cries. No thanks... Who could
blame me? On ward 18 i was given one of the 'best rooms' We made ourselves comfortable in the room,
ate breakfast and waited a while to be seen by the nurse. At this point i was so fed up of waiting
around... I just wanted everything to be over and done with so i could go home and grieve properly
for our baby. Later on a nurse came in and asked if we was 'ready' what else could we say? I was
given a pessary to dilate my cervix. About an hour later it started to take effect, the pain wasn't
that bad at first... But has the hours passed it got stronger and stronger, i was only given
co-codamol to help ease the pain. At about 3.20pm i couldn't take the pain anymore so i told Ryan to
go get one of the nurses... I was given a pain relief injection in my bum.But by the time i had this
it was too late to take effect, Issac was born at 3.50pm. I felt all the pain and i'm glad i did, i
felt i owed that to him. I had what they call it a complete miscarriage where the baby is born
inside the sack with the waters. The placenta was still inside of me. After i delivered him they
immediately took him away. I got cleaned up a bit and then the nurse came back and in and tried to
'prepare' us if you like, as to what he looked like... We told her we didn't care, this was our
baby. She brought him in to us. He was very swollen (due to cysts, which we found out much later on
what was the probable cause of death) He had no skin (so he was red) But he was perfectly formed, 10
little fingers and 10 little toes, little ears and eyes, tiny mouth and little arms and legs. Why
did this have to happen to him? What has he ever done to deserve this? Holding him in our arms, it
was too soon, it wasn't meant to be this way. The tears then started to flow uncontrollably. We
couldn't believe he was here, like this. It was only 1 week before that he was going so strong =( We
spent lots of precious time with Issac in the hospital, we had his hand and footprints taken and
some photos... That time i will cherish for the rest of my life, i'm so glad we got to see and hold
him before we had to let him go. Normally they let you out of hospital the same day! But because i
had trouble delivering the placenta (they left it inside me for over 3 hours) i had to stay in
overnight. Ryan too stayed with me. We didn't sleep much.
Thursday 7th August 2008 is the day we was allowed home, before we left the hospital we spent some
more time with Issac... The nurse brought him in to us, his body had already started to change =(
His little body was so cold, even to this day i can still feel the icey coldness of his tiny body. I
just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him, hold him close to keep him warm. The nurse came in and
said we are going to be discharged... We had to hand Issac over now, we didn't want to let him to...
We gave him a kiss and told him that we love him and i wrapped him up in his white blanket, to keep
him warm. That was the last time we saw him. We never said goodbye... Goodbyes are forever right?
Still the journey and heartache continues. It took the hospital 6 weeks to release Issac's body to
the funeral home... Why? I do not know. Maybe one day i will have that answer, but even now almost 1
year on i'm still too weak to put up a fight. 6 whole weeks of not knowing what was happening or
where in fact my baby was. We chose not to have a post mortem on Issac, he had been through enough
plus i couldn't bare the thought of someone touching my baby, not in that way. I rung the hospital
on many occasions to find out all i could about Issac and when his body would be released... But all
they said was we should hear something soon. Or i would get a telephone call back once they had
inquired, i never received not even 1 phone call to tell us what was happening. Weeks passed by and
by chance one day i rung the funeral home where Issac's body was going to be released too and i
asked them if they had our baby. I was told i would be rung back if indeed he had been passed over.
About 10 minutes later i received a phone call, from the funeral directors Issac's body had in fact
been passed on to them 3 days prior to me phoning them. Where was my phone call from the hospital to
tell me this? I was so angry i was lost for words. I will never forgive the NHS so called
professionals for all that they have put myself, Ryan, my family and Issac through. And i certainly
won't forget.
We went to see Issac's coffin in the chapel of rest at the funeral directors on the 15th September
2008... Standing by the doorway of the room is coffin was in, I completely froze. Time seemed to
stand still, my little boy was lying in that tiny white coffin... It was all too much to take in. We
was left alone with him where we talked to him, we didn't stay very long it was just too painful for
us both. We gave him one last kiss and left... I had in my head all the things i wanted to say to
him but when the time came and i saw his coffin the words wouldn't come out. I hope he forgives me
for that and his daddy too.
Issac's funeral was held on the 17th September 2008 at Crewe Crematorium at 9.20am by Reverend
Geddes. The day we had so longed awaited for so we could put our baby at peace had finally arrived,
but at the same time it was the day we didn't want to come. Stood outside the crematorium everyone
coming up to us and just hugging us and telling us to be strong was also too much to bare. In a few
moments time the hearse would be arriving carrying our babys coffin... How can you be strong? The
hearse arrived with Issac's coffin in the back... He was gently lifted out and handed to Ryan, i
walked beside him as we entered the chapel. We chose R Kelly I believe I can Fly to be played, the
song that's on Issac's site... Please listen to the words, it tells you how we feel. The Reverend
said some prayers which were beautiful and touching. There was not a dry eye in the house. The time
flew by and most was a blur.. I remember the last prayer being said and then the music came back
on... This was it, the very last time we would ever see anything of our son. I blew Issac a kiss and
said never goodbye and began walking out of the chapel. Outside the chapel i took a deep breath...
After all this time our baby was able to fly free and rest peacefully.
The days after Issac's funeral i felt a sense of relief, relieved that it was all over with and our
baby was at peace... Stuck in limbo for those 6 weeks we could now grieve properly for our son.

On the 22nd September 2008 we picked up Issac's ashes and brought him home where he belongs. We have
still not decided what we want to do with them, until we do they always remain close to us
.
Issac was lent to us not given, We love and miss him more than words can say. He will always have
that special place in every ones heart especially his mummy and daddys.


:¨·.·¨:
`·. Issac♥
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. ♥


☆·.¸¸.·*TO*THE*WORLD*HE*WAS*JUST*ONE*BUT*TO*ME*HE*WAS*THE*WORLD*·.¸¸.·☆